Your Childhood Ruined No.1: Mr. Benn

MRBEN

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The Museum Of Boring Dusty Things Opens Its Doors

Just one of the many things not to get excited about at England's newest and dreariest tourist attraction.

Just one of the many things not to get excited about at England’s newest and dreariest tourist attraction.

“In this digital age of interactive wot-nots and animatronic doo-dads, trudging around fifteen musty rooms full of smelly old rubbish covered in cobwebs is almost unheard of,” says Albert Mould, the curator of the newly-opened Museum of Boring Dusty Things in Chippenham. “We plan to change all that.”

The Museum of Boring Dusty Things promises to suck all the enjoyment out of your visit via the medium of uninformative, type-written information cards, dead-eyed 1970s shop mannequins wearing ill-fitting Georgian wigs and terrifying examples of taxidermy.

“It’s just like in the good old days before fun was invented,” boasts Mr. Mould. “We’ve got a gollywog with a missing head, half a plough someone found buried in a field and a Roman coin that was discovered in a cupboard in 1957. We’ve also got a quill and ink-bottle once used by the younger brother of Captain James Cook, an out of date map of the county of Rutland and a 1960s television set that doesn’t work any more.

“For younger visitors, there’s nothing for them to enjoy at all. And that’s as it should be.”

The Museum of Boring Dusty Things is open at the most inconvenient hours of the day and is, of course, closed every Saturday and Sunday for no good reason.

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Last Person To Remember ‘Dear John’ Dies In House Fire

Gone and now forgotten.

Gone and now forgotten.

The last man to remember the 1986 BBC sitcom Dear John was found dead in his flat this morning.

Terry Bollocks, 66, was described by police as ‘a hopeless drunk’ whose death was ‘inevitable’. Mr. Bollocks died as a result of trying to light chip fat with a cigarette in a kitchen filled with gas. His passing marks the end of living memory for Dear John, which now joins that one where Rodney Trotter lives with some woman in a basement and that other one where Tim Brooke Taylor and Richard O’Sullivan are child abusers (or something) as being totally forgotten.

“Terry achieved nothing in his life,” laughs the late sitcom-rememberer’s friend, Albert Kiddly-Fiddler. “He did, however, remember Dear John. He used to go on about how it was all set in a singles club and there was this greasy bloke who pretended he was in the SAS, and that the woman from off of that thing that was on BBC1 in the ’90s was in it as well.

“None of us had any idea what he was talking about.”

Mr. Bollocks’s premature death is the second case this year of someone dying and the memory of a television show dying with them. In April, Barry Maggots, an unemployed shit-shoveller from Wigan, was eaten by a shark and took his knowledge of the Leslie Grantham and Don Henderson comedy-drama The Paradise Club to his watery grave.

“I just hope Arthur Nadgers – the last man alive to remember the James Bolam-starring live action version of Andy Capp – isn’t planning to light any chip pans tonight,” said a worried television historian. “We could do without losing the memory of three TV shows in one year.”

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New Facebook Book Goes On Sale

boring

Other books in the series include:

The Facebook Compendium of Tedious Baby Pictures
The Facebook Anthology of Passive-Aggressive Status Updates
The Facebook Book of Ill-Informed Political Opinions
The Facebook Portfolio of Uninteresting Cat Pictures

£6.99 each. Available from all good bookshops.

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How Well Do YOU Know The Lyrics To ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’?

"I'm not in love, so don't forget it."

“I’m not in love, so don’t forget it.”

In nineteen seventy something or other, the American rock band The Moody Blues released their most famous song – Bohemian Rhapsody. A hit on both sides of the Atlantic, Bohemian Rhapsody probably defined the era. But how well do YOU know the lyrics to the song that was undoubtedly once described as ‘groundbreaking’ and ‘breaking new ground’? Let’s find out, shall we …

If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me
No baby please don’t go
If you leave me now, you’ll take away the very heart of me
No baby please don’t go
A love like ours is love that’s hard to find
How could we let it slip away
We’ve come too far to leave it all behind
How could we end it all this way
When tomorrow comes we’ll both regret
Things we said today
Cause I need you more than you’ll ever know

So. Do you know ’em?

Yes?

Good for you.

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Drawing Celebrities From Memory No.4: Simon Cowell

simon cowell

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Fears Grow That Duchess Will Give Birth From Off Of Her Arsehole

May give birth off of her arse.

May give birth off of her arse.

An unemployed man from Middlesbrough has warned the Internet that Kate Middleton might give birth to the fourth in line to the throne from off of her arsehole if she’s not careful.

Clag Staggers told his six Twitter followers that the Duchess – who recently announced she is up the duff by daintily vomiting into a gold bucket on the One Show – is in danger of shitting her child out of her anus if she’s not careful. Continue reading

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